Thursday, September 12, 2013


The ringing screams louder, the silence after closes in… the walls near, inch ever so slowly closer… the heart steps up pace, wanting to push itself out of its cage.

Ambition unquenched is the mother of ills… repetition the sin of the cowardly… the meek may inherit the earth but the brave shall change it irrevocably.

I wander deliriously – always in my mind… always in my thoughts and dreams and in despair. The body has put down roots unwillingly. The heart lusts for new adventures, new places, new people, new experiences. But the body remains glued.

Recklessness is the consequence of claustrophobia… the clank of chains yields to the inevitable collapse of rules that bind.

The hopelessness of a generation numbs the mind. Change cannot come so easily – war must be waged for change to envelop the old and the seedy.

As I struggle against the push, rail against the pull, my claustrophobia remains unseen, unheard, unconquered. When shove arrives… I wonder which will break first. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

One Year After Grandma's Passing

You sing and you laugh and you dance in my dreams
In my dreams, you are free… unfettered
I wonder if you really are
But if you exist in another form, then the world is indeed blessed

Thoughts of you overwhelm me suddenly
You live on in all of us, in me especially
And as I come and go in my daily rigmarole of a routine,
You are present in bits and pieces, in my thoughts, actions and reactions

I remember so clearly your smile,
Your lit up green eyes
Your laughter and your repartees
And I wonder if time will erase those now-instant, vivid memories

I hope time will not do its damage
Because I want to carry you in me all my life
I want you to live and breathe and go wild through me
I want you to be close and I want to keep you safe

I see your heart break in my mother’s sadness
I hear your sudden laughter in my ridiculous moments
I hear your voice whisper to me in my dreams
And as I have always done since when I was a child, I turn to you for succour and strength

Life has moved on without you
But that reflects little on your relevance to that life
We’re now forced to grow up on our own
Without a navigator to point out pitfalls along the way

My burden gets heavier every day
Only at night, when I feel you near me does the load lighten
I do not know what the future holds
But I do know that you will always and forever be a part of it within and with me

For My Grandmother

Where are you my little lady
Wrinkled as an over-ripe mango
With your toothless grin
And your eyes afire with life?

Where have you gone sweet lady
With shoulders that bore our collective burden
Unceasingly, tirelessly, smilingly
And with faith in our effervescent goodness?

Were you exhausted mighty lady
After a lifetime of battle?
Did you hear all of us beautiful one
Pray for your release?

Did you go unwillingly loved one
Or were you glad to be free?
My mother, my best friend, the only one
Who never judged, who never threw rocks.

I did not dare look into those green lanterns
To find the lights snuffed out.
In an instant, in the blink of an eye
You have become, simply, a memory.

How do I bear this heavy heart
My dearest,
Where do I go, who do I turn to
When you are gone?

How do I say all those unsaid words
And fulfill those small dreams
When you have turned to ashes
And gone back to the sea?

Warrior lady, I never had to fight for your love
There was always some more in you to give
And the selfish, cruel youth in me
Never thought to give that undying love back to the fount.

I never went hungry when you were around
Or lacked for a fulfilling warmth
My savior, my confidante, my strength,
My healer, my teacher, my role model.

Life has slowed now, already it seems empty
Uncertainty and insecurity have crept in upon me.
My search would pause when I lay my head down in your lap
Not anymore… that bosom is gone and my endless search ticks on.

How do I cope with this loss when you always helped me cope?
Who do I ask for advice on how to live without you?
How do I manouevre through life without your guidance?
How can I rest anymore?

I don’t know what you are now or where you are
But I pray that you are happy and free and unburdened
I pray that you soar to the peaks of the Himalayas
I pray that you can walk and run and fly and laugh and feel no pain.

I hope that you come into my life again in some form
It is very difficult to go on without you
Guide me in some form, send me some signs
I will never forget the lessons you have taught me
And I will never ever be the same again.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Hope Springs

My doing and my undoing
And so shall it be
My waking and my restlessness
My tortured sleep and my aching feet

Another’s anger, yet another’s puzzlement
My void and my fulfillment
My passion and my crime too
My deity and I its slave

The undeniable caress begins
That inexplicable leap of faith
The token suppression
The indelible cacophony of thought

Light is but at a crawl
As ideas whirl in a vortex
Binding me to my fate
Destiny or doom, never mind

Questions bubble over
Laughter rises up
Alarm bells are frantic
But choice is never there

My hope
My beginning
My end
My punishment
My gift
My oblivion.