For My Grandmother

Where are you my little lady

Wrinkled as an over-ripe mango

With your toothless grin

And your eyes afire with life?

Where have you gone sweet lady

With shoulders that bore our collective burden

Unceasingly, tirelessly, smilingly

And with faith in our effervescent goodness?

Were you exhausted mighty lady

After a lifetime of battle?

Did you hear all of us beautiful one

Pray for your release?

Did you go unwillingly loved one

Or were you glad to be free?

My mother, my best friend, the only one

Who never judged, who never threw rocks.

I did not dare look into those green lanterns

To find the lights snuffed out.

In an instant, in the blink of an eye

You have become, simply, a memory.

How do I bear this heavy heart

My dearest,

Where do I go, who do I turn to

When you are gone?

How do I say all those unsaid words

And fulfill those small dreams

When you have turned to ashes

And gone back to the sea?

Warrior lady, I never had to fight for your love

There was always some more in you to give

And the selfish, cruel youth in me

Never thought to give that undying love back to the fount.

I never went hungry when you were around

Or lacked for a fulfilling warmth

My savior, my confidante, my strength,

My healer, my teacher, my role model.

Life has slowed now, already it seems empty

Uncertainty and insecurity have crept in upon me.

My search would pause when I lay my head down in your lap

Not anymore… that bosom is gone and my endless search ticks on.

How do I cope with this loss when you always helped me cope?

Who do I ask for advice on how to live without you?

How do I manouevre through life without your guidance?

How can I rest anymore?

I don’t know what you are now or where you are

But I pray that you are happy and free and unburdened

I pray that you soar to the peaks of the Himalayas

I pray that you can walk and run and fly and laugh and feel no pain.

I hope that you come into my life again in some form

It is very difficult to go on without you

Guide me in some form, send me some signs

I will never forget the lessons you have taught me

And I will never ever be the same again.