Claustrophobia

The ringing screams louder, the silence after closes in… the walls near, inch ever so slowly closer… the heart steps up pace, wanting to push itself out of its cage.

Ambition unquenched is the mother of ills… repetition the sin of the cowardly… the meek may inherit the earth but the brave shall change it irrevocably.

I wander deliriously – always in my mind… always in my thoughts and dreams and in despair. The body has put down roots unwillingly. The heart lusts for new adventures, new places, new people, new experiences. But the body remains glued.

Recklessness is the consequence of claustrophobia… the clank of chains yields to the inevitable collapse of rules that bind.

The hopelessness of a generation numbs the mind. Change cannot come so easily – war must be waged for change to envelop the old and the seedy.

As I struggle against the push, rail against the pull, my claustrophobia remains unseen, unheard, unconquered. When shove arrives… I wonder which will break first. 

One Year After Grandma's Passing

You sing and you laugh and you dance in my dreams

In my dreams, you are free… unfettered

I wonder if you really are

But if you exist in another form, then the world is indeed blessed

Thoughts of you overwhelm me suddenly

You live on in all of us, in me especially

And as I come and go in my daily rigmarole of a routine,

You are present in bits and pieces, in my thoughts, actions and reactions

I remember so clearly your smile,

Your lit up green eyes

Your laughter and your repartees

And I wonder if time will erase those now-instant, vivid memories

I hope time will not do its damage

Because I want to carry you in me all my life

I want you to live and breathe and go wild through me

I want you to be close and I want to keep you safe

I see your heart break in my mother’s sadness

I hear your sudden laughter in my ridiculous moments

I hear your voice whisper to me in my dreams

And as I have always done since when I was a child, I turn to you for succour and strength

Life has moved on without you

But that reflects little on your relevance to that life

We’re now forced to grow up on our own

Without a navigator to point out pitfalls along the way

My burden gets heavier every day

Only at night, when I feel you near me does the load lighten

I do not know what the future holds

But I do know that you will always and forever be a part of it within and with me

For My Grandmother

Where are you my little lady

Wrinkled as an over-ripe mango

With your toothless grin

And your eyes afire with life?

Where have you gone sweet lady

With shoulders that bore our collective burden

Unceasingly, tirelessly, smilingly

And with faith in our effervescent goodness?

Were you exhausted mighty lady

After a lifetime of battle?

Did you hear all of us beautiful one

Pray for your release?

Did you go unwillingly loved one

Or were you glad to be free?

My mother, my best friend, the only one

Who never judged, who never threw rocks.

I did not dare look into those green lanterns

To find the lights snuffed out.

In an instant, in the blink of an eye

You have become, simply, a memory.

How do I bear this heavy heart

My dearest,

Where do I go, who do I turn to

When you are gone?

How do I say all those unsaid words

And fulfill those small dreams

When you have turned to ashes

And gone back to the sea?

Warrior lady, I never had to fight for your love

There was always some more in you to give

And the selfish, cruel youth in me

Never thought to give that undying love back to the fount.

I never went hungry when you were around

Or lacked for a fulfilling warmth

My savior, my confidante, my strength,

My healer, my teacher, my role model.

Life has slowed now, already it seems empty

Uncertainty and insecurity have crept in upon me.

My search would pause when I lay my head down in your lap

Not anymore… that bosom is gone and my endless search ticks on.

How do I cope with this loss when you always helped me cope?

Who do I ask for advice on how to live without you?

How do I manouevre through life without your guidance?

How can I rest anymore?

I don’t know what you are now or where you are

But I pray that you are happy and free and unburdened

I pray that you soar to the peaks of the Himalayas

I pray that you can walk and run and fly and laugh and feel no pain.

I hope that you come into my life again in some form

It is very difficult to go on without you

Guide me in some form, send me some signs

I will never forget the lessons you have taught me

And I will never ever be the same again.

Hope Springs

My doing and my undoing

And so shall it be

My waking and my restlessness

My tortured sleep and my aching feet

Another’s anger, yet another’s puzzlement

My void and my fulfillment

My passion and my crime too

My deity and I its slave

The undeniable caress begins

That inexplicable leap of faith

The token suppression

The indelible cacophony of thought

Light is but at a crawl

As ideas whirl in a vortex

Binding me to my fate

Destiny or doom, never mind

Questions bubble over

Laughter rises up

Alarm bells are frantic

But choice is never there

My hope

My beginning

My end

My punishment

My gift

My oblivion.

Muslin

The rustle is now muted
A stringent hum takes its place
This is the sound of tomorrow
Tears appear
Frays reveal themselves
Light bounces
Nothingness whistles through
When the winds of change blow furiously
Muslin becomes its slave
Taut with tension
Stretched beyond limits
And yet it tries to protect its rustle

Anger belongs to giant minds
Fury belongs to revolutions
Chaos belongs to anarchists
Not to the mind
When these and more are misplaced
Devastation occurs
The fragile is destroyed
The delicate, trampled upon
I am not a giant amongst my kind,
Nor a revolutionary
Nor either an anarchist
The mind seeks stillness
Desperate relief from the keening hum
No respite, no respite.

The skies open up
Weak, tattered, the muslin holds on
Rustles cannot be heard in the rain
And it waits... for the summer
It waits for the rustle,
For the song,
For the touch,
For the fall
It waits for its long-gone glory... in vain.

Haze

The haze descends
Blurring the mangroves
Grey is not grey
White is truly black
And me... a shadow, a wisp of warmth
In an otherwise blustery confusion.

Crossroads come, crossroads go
And still I chug on
Weary, relentless, reaching out
Slush in my shoes
Mud sprayed on my legs
Squelch of life underfoot.

I yearn for the moon
For some light, for the road ahead
But the chapter is coming to a close
And an eternity shall whisk by
Before the next one is begun.

Sometimes I say no
At others I yearn for the familiar
But the life, the lilt is undeniable
I am trudging back the way I came
To that old, familiar self that I once revelled in being.

No metre, no rhyme in my poetry
Simply soul and granite truth
I always was a free bird
And always shall remain
No fetters, no owners, no owned, free, free, free.

The haze turns to dew on tender green leaves
The sun reduces it to water
My eyes drink in the world, the infinite roads
But my heart dictates where to go
My love dictates my outstretched arms
And my strength dictates my life.

And yet... the old fire fights to burn
It will not die out so young
The sky in my eyes, the wind in my hair
The sea on my tongue, a smile on my lips
A caress of my cheek, a laugh in my throat
I'm ready once again
To walk
To cry
To fight
To think
To create
To whisper
To sigh
To share
To dream
To run
To swim
To cheer
To lead
To break
To love
To live

And as the sky fades
And memories cloud the eyes
I wonder if I'm lucky
To own so much love
And to love so much
I wonder if I'm blessed
To be without artifice
I wonder if I'm sane
To be at the crossroads
And let the wind carry me in its wake.

Salt

She tasted the sea on her tongue
Salt suffused her body
Senses strained to hear the unspeakable wail to the crescendo

The world was her water
Dissolving, diluting, drowning and giving life again
Water was her world, this woman of pure earth

She blinked at the sky
A moment was born and with it, her, all over again
Blink, blink and an eternity hangs alone

What is the word, she silently questioned,
Herself, and her many others
Silence struggled to claw forward

And when the fire came
She was consumed
Her lips of grapes, her clothes of milk, her hands of cotton, her legs of roots

And was consumed her eyes of light, her ears of shells
Her love of tendrils and heart of insanity
The earth beckoned again, her mother

Salvaged pride is never whole
But the pieces tell you what you once were
And hers… were made of salt.